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After thirty minutes of sex my GF says: "Ya know, if it gets too wet there, you can always put it in my butt!"

#274
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Dec 28, 2011 07:03 PM - Sex - by Mannzutier (woman)

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On leaving me alone for a few weeks: “Ok here's where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.”

#227
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Sep 22, 2011 06:54 PM - Misc - by Mark (man)

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"He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well."

#87
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Jan 29, 2011 09:17 PM - Drunk - by Rodrigo (man)

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My girl and I were having sex, and she decided to finish me in her mouth. As I was about to finish blowing my load, she took her mouth off and the last bit of jizz landed on my stomach. She swallowed what was in her mouth and said, "Oh god, I'm sorry. I couldn't take anymore, my mouth was full."

#104
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Feb 9, 2011 02:56 AM - Sex - by Matador (man)

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“I don’t even understand how you can dance to dubstep”

#219
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Sep 22, 2011 06:48 PM - Misc - by Steve (man)

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My little brother (10) was acting very crazy one day and my mother asked him if they needed to put him on medication. With a perfectly straight face, he replied, "There’s no medication for being awesome."

#211
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Aug 10, 2011 03:43 AM - Kids - by Awesomeness12 (man)

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"You are always looking for the green grass over the rainbow"

#346
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Dec 11, 2012 08:02 PM - Misc - by pie (man)

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Texting :

Girl : Hi honey :-*
Boy : Hi my love [Sending failed]

Girl : Honeeeeey ?
Boy : What happend ? I'm here [Sending failed]

Girl : Are you ignoring me ?
Boy : No honey , I'm answering you . [Sending failed]

Girl : Relationship's Over , Bye!!!
Boy : Fuck You , Go to hell !!! [Message Sent]

#229
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Apr 26, 5365 01:18 PM - Breakups - by MR. Garcia (man)

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I'm watching "I Used To Be Fat". I've been doing crunches for the last half hour, yelling at the slut on TV to stop crying and do crunches."

#81
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Jan 29, 2011 08:59 PM - Health - by John (man)

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In hind sight, maybe you telling the registration nurse she was a "sexy little hooker" wasn't the best way to get you in back to get your stitches any quicker.

#90
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Jan 29, 2011 09:28 PM - Health - by Chris (man)

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Did you tell your mom to text me "I love you"?

#67
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Jan 29, 2011 08:36 PM - Love - by Peter (man)

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My girlfriend and I were having sex, she was on top and I came in her. She tells me "Hold on, I want you to know how this feels", she lifts off and creampies all over my stomach.

#73
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Jan 29, 2011 08:37 PM - Love - by Isaac (man)

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I saw two teenagers stopped at a green light at a major road, honking at and flipping off an old man crossing slowly. As a result, the old man dropped his pants and mooned the youngsters. Classic!

#209
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Aug 10, 2011 03:43 AM - Sex - by Moonies (man)

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Part 02:
SMS3: You have to call right now or you will pay for it!!!
SMS4: Son of a B**ch, where the hell are you???

#216
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Sep 10, 2011 11:57 AM - Love - by MR. Garcia (man)

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“It’s like one of those things that you smell, so you think you taste it. Like poop. Or play dough. That happens all the time! Actually, I think when I was a kid, I ate play dough.”

#221
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Sep 22, 2011 06:48 PM - Misc - by James (man)

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They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

#83
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Jan 29, 2011 08:59 PM - Work - by Adam (man)

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My GF: Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
Me: I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.

#85
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Jan 29, 2011 09:17 PM - Drunk - by Jeff (man)

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After I make it rain at a strip club, my drunk gf says: "Giving the strippers money is like feeding the animals at the zoo."

#239
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Nov 26, 2011 12:13 AM - Money - by Say Whaaaa (man)

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"Don't you think this would be the perfect store for you to work at? It's what you do naturally."

#100
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Jan 29, 2011 11:50 PM - Money - by Hank (man)

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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.

#88
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She's A Keeper! (12) - Dump Her Ass! (2)

Jan 29, 2011 09:17 PM - Drunk - by Rudy (man)

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