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"My dad told me my only assignment from now till graduation is to not die."

#82
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She's A Keeper! (11) - Dump Her Ass! (3)

Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Health - by Shawn (man)

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You Will Love Me! Roses Are Red, Bullets Are Lead. Take Me Back Now, Or Get Shot In The Head! LMAOO

#107
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She's A Keeper! (21) - Dump Her Ass! (13)

Feb 18, 2011 09:05 AM - Breakups - by Allen Analian (man)

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My girlfriend was asking me what I say when playing video games with my friends. She says, "What do you say, like, 'Suck it! Fuck my dick!'?" God, I love her.

#345
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Nov 27, 2012 06:18 AM - Misc - by bananazack (man)

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“It’s like one of those things that you smell, so you think you taste it. Like poop. Or play dough. That happens all the time! Actually, I think when I was a kid, I ate play dough.”

#221
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She's A Keeper! (16) - Dump Her Ass! (11)

Sep 22, 2011 11:48 PM - Misc - by James (man)

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Texting :

Girl : Hi honey :-*
Boy : Hi my love [Sending failed]

Girl : Honeeeeey ?
Boy : What happend ? I'm here [Sending failed]

Girl : Are you ignoring me ?
Boy : No honey , I'm answering you . [Sending failed]

Girl : Relationship's Over , Bye!!!
Boy : Fuck You , Go to hell !!! [Message Sent]

#229
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She's A Keeper! (14) - Dump Her Ass! (51)

Oct 13, 2011 02:16 PM - Breakups - by MR. Garcia (man)

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There is a cigarette burn in the front of my thong...I'm scared to know what happened last night.

#84
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Jan 30, 2011 03:17 AM - Drunk - by Brady (man)

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I just drunk dialed your mom! SHIT!

#1
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She's A Keeper! (57) - Dump Her Ass! (22)

Dec 11, 2010 09:57 PM - Drunk - by prodjallen (man)

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Me: Check out the new Yelawolf video
GF: Whuuuut? I didnt know he was white?
Me: Whatchu mean you didnt know he was white?!
GF: I thought he was Yellow

#282
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Mar 26, 2012 05:51 AM - Misc - by iamknoware (man)

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I'm watching "I Used To Be Fat". I've been doing crunches for the last half hour, yelling at the slut on TV to stop crying and do crunches."

#81
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She's A Keeper! (24) - Dump Her Ass! (5)

Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Health - by John (man)

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On her seeming lack of enthusiasm while she prepared coffee in the nude: "You get enthusiasm, or you get boobs. You don't get both."

#225
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She's A Keeper! (57) - Dump Her Ass! (9)

Sep 22, 2011 11:54 PM - Misc - by Sam (man)

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My girl and I were having sex, and she decided to finish me in her mouth. As I was about to finish blowing my load, she took her mouth off and the last bit of jizz landed on my stomach. She swallowed what was in her mouth and said, "Oh god, I'm sorry. I couldn't take anymore, my mouth was full."

#104
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She's A Keeper! (95) - Dump Her Ass! (8)

Feb 9, 2011 08:56 AM - Sex - by Matador (man)

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"I found a chair on the side of the street that looks lonely. Can I bring it home?"

#1565
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She's A Keeper! (8) - Dump Her Ass! (1)

Sep 22, 2015 11:19 PM - Misc - by LonelyChair (man)

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“I don’t even understand how you can dance to dubstep”

#219
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She's A Keeper! (34) - Dump Her Ass! (27)

Sep 22, 2011 11:48 PM - Misc - by Steve (man)

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"I just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples...I don't know how they got there."

#76
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She's A Keeper! (32) - Dump Her Ass! (7)

Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Drunk - by Mel (man)

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My girlfriend and I were having sex, she was on top and I came in her. She tells me "Hold on, I want you to know how this feels", she lifts off and creampies all over my stomach.

#73
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She's A Keeper! (33) - Dump Her Ass! (29)

Jan 30, 2011 02:37 AM - Love - by Isaac (man)

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I saw this online and thought of you!

#91
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She's A Keeper! (36) - Dump Her Ass! (2)

Jan 30, 2011 03:45 AM - Sports - by Mark (man)

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"Reminds me of last night. Do you remember? It looks so dirty when I see others doing it. lol"

#93
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She's A Keeper! (26) - Dump Her Ass! (1)

Jan 30, 2011 05:11 AM - Sex - by Phil (man)

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While Skyping:
Me: What are you doing?
GF: Looking at cute aprons and matching lace thongs for when I cook dinner for you naked. Red or hot pink?

#297
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She's A Keeper! (54) - Dump Her Ass! (13)

Sep 5, 2012 09:43 AM - Sex - by Darren (man)

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I saw two teenagers stopped at a green light at a major road, honking at and flipping off an old man crossing slowly. As a result, the old man dropped his pants and mooned the youngsters. Classic!

#209
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She's A Keeper! (23) - Dump Her Ass! (1)

Aug 10, 2011 08:43 AM - Sex - by Moonies (man)

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I know this is gonna sound weird, but my boobs tell me to break up with you - then get implants and shut them the fuck up!

#74
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She's A Keeper! (0) - Dump Her Ass! (30)

Jan 30, 2011 02:37 AM - Sex - by Jamie (man)

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