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My girlfriend was asking me what I say when playing video games with my friends. She says, "What do you say, like, 'Suck it! Fuck my dick!'?" God, I love her.

#345
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Nov 27, 2012 06:18 AM - Misc - by bananazack (man)

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I have a deviated septum. Can I snort things?

#80
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Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Misc - by Ryan (man)

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Just got this text from my gf. "I farted earlier and Sargent (her co-worker) was like omg what's that smell and kept sniffing. I was like yeah ew what is that?

#280
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Feb 14, 2012 01:18 AM - Work - by timbo (man)

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On why she was not going to wear a bra that day: “Because my boobs are awesome and they must be free to point at the sky!”

#224
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Sep 22, 2011 11:54 PM - Drunk - by Carl (man)

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"Don't you think this would be the perfect store for you to work at? It's what you do naturally."

#100
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Jan 30, 2011 05:50 AM - Money - by Hank (man)

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99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one, you got 100 problems and a bitch is one.

#68
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Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Love - by Jayzow (man)

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We were driving home from a weekend trip and my girl sucked me off and I came in her mouth (she never takes it in her mouth). So we are at my house the day after and I cum on her tits but got a little near her mouth. She said "just cause I spoil you one time you think you can just do what you want"

#106
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Feb 16, 2011 03:42 AM - Sex - by g6landed (man)

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I'm watching "I Used To Be Fat". I've been doing crunches for the last half hour, yelling at the slut on TV to stop crying and do crunches."

#81
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Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Health - by John (man)

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Her: Baby can we make sex tonight...
Me: OK honey let me go to the store to get some condoms.
Her: Noooooooooooooo!

#283
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Mar 27, 2012 02:21 AM - Sex - by Anonymous (man)

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Today, I was at school and saw a girl that was deaf wearing a shirt saying, "La la la, I can't hear you! Lol...

#98
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Jan 30, 2011 05:36 AM - School - by Marcus (man)

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"Camping in the ghetto is the equivalent to living in Uganda."

#222
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Sep 22, 2011 11:50 PM - Misc - by David (man)

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Took her to the movies, and came back to my car to find out my battery had died.. got it jumped and came back to her place, and as i lean in for a kiss, she backs away and says "pssh im not kissing you, your car broke down" and walks into her house. Damn.

#66
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Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Breakups - by Carlos (man)

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“You just fisted my kidney!!!”

#220
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Sep 22, 2011 11:48 PM - Sex - by Marlon (man)

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I saw two teenagers stopped at a green light at a major road, honking at and flipping off an old man crossing slowly. As a result, the old man dropped his pants and mooned the youngsters. Classic!

#209
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Aug 10, 2011 08:43 AM - Sex - by Moonies (man)

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I saw a pigeon get pood on by another pigeon. Justice.

#210
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Aug 10, 2011 08:43 AM - Misc - by PigeonCrap (man)

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I know this is gonna sound weird, but my boobs tell me to break up with you - then get implants and shut them the fuck up!

#74
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Jan 30, 2011 02:37 AM - Sex - by Jamie (man)

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"You are always looking for the green grass over the rainbow"

#346
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Dec 12, 2012 02:02 AM - Misc - by pie (man)

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"I think of you as a brother...WTF?"

#72
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Jan 30, 2011 02:37 AM - Love - by Brian (man)

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After thirty minutes of sex my GF says: "Ya know, if it gets too wet there, you can always put it in my butt!"

#274
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Dec 29, 2011 01:03 AM - Sex - by Mannzutier (woman)

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On leaving me alone for a few weeks: “Ok here's where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.”

#227
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She's A Keeper! (91) - Dump Her Ass! (2)

Sep 22, 2011 11:54 PM - Misc - by Mark (man)

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