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Did you tell your mom to text me "I love you"?

#67
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She's A Keeper! (9) - Dump Her Ass! (2)

Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Love - by Peter (man)

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I was at a friend's house the other day, and he comes rushing up to his room stating "Justin Bieber got charged with assault!" I feel bad for the kid who has to go home and tell his Dad he got beat up by Justin Bieber.

#97
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She's A Keeper! (27) - Dump Her Ass! (3)

Jan 30, 2011 05:32 AM - Misc - by Marcus (man)

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In hind sight, maybe you telling the registration nurse she was a "sexy little hooker" wasn't the best way to get you in back to get your stitches any quicker.

#90
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Jan 30, 2011 03:28 AM - Health - by Chris (man)

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Me: Check out the new Yelawolf video
GF: Whuuuut? I didnt know he was white?
Me: Whatchu mean you didnt know he was white?!
GF: I thought he was Yellow

#282
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Mar 26, 2012 05:51 AM - Misc - by iamknoware (man)

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On why she was not going to wear a bra that day: “Because my boobs are awesome and they must be free to point at the sky!”

#224
1 Comments

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Sep 22, 2011 11:54 PM - Drunk - by Carl (man)

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Just realized "strap-on" spelled backwards is "no-parts".

#208
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Aug 10, 2011 08:43 AM - Sex - by Jimms (man)

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"He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well."

#87
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Jan 30, 2011 03:17 AM - Drunk - by Rodrigo (man)

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Just got this text from my gf. "I farted earlier and Sargent (her co-worker) was like omg what's that smell and kept sniffing. I was like yeah ew what is that?

#280
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Feb 14, 2012 01:18 AM - Work - by timbo (man)

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"Don't you think this would be the perfect store for you to work at? It's what you do naturally."

#100
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Jan 30, 2011 05:50 AM - Money - by Hank (man)

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I just drunk dialed your mom! SHIT!

#1
1 Comments

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Dec 11, 2010 09:57 PM - Drunk - by prodjallen (man)

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Found our roommate masturbating to Justin Bieber. I mean, really?

#94
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Jan 30, 2011 05:12 AM - Sex - by James (man)

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My girlfriend and I went to a Renaissance Fair, and she talked me into wearing a kilt. While we were browsing a shop, some old woman asked what I was wearing underneath it. Without missing a beat, my girlfriend replied “My lipstick.” The old woman turned bright red.

#213
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She's A Keeper! (111) - Dump Her Ass! (2)

Aug 10, 2011 08:43 AM - Sex - by lmao234 (man)

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There is a cigarette burn in the front of my thong...I'm scared to know what happened last night.

#84
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Jan 30, 2011 03:17 AM - Drunk - by Brady (man)

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“I don’t even understand how you can dance to dubstep”

#219
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Sep 22, 2011 11:48 PM - Misc - by Steve (man)

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Part 1:
According to one of my friends,
I went to the swimming pool last night ... After the pool, I checked my mobile in the locker room and I had 4 missed calls and 6 text messages from my GF:
SMS1: Honey, why don't you answer my calls???
SMS2: It seems you're busy even for texting!!!
.
.
.

#217
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Sep 10, 2011 04:58 PM - Love - by MR. Garcia (man)

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Part 02:
SMS3: You have to call right now or you will pay for it!!!
SMS4: Son of a B**ch, where the hell are you???

#216
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Sep 10, 2011 04:57 PM - Love - by MR. Garcia (man)

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My little brother (10) was acting very crazy one day and my mother asked him if they needed to put him on medication. With a perfectly straight face, he replied, "There’s no medication for being awesome."

#211
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She's A Keeper! (31) - Dump Her Ass! (4)

Aug 10, 2011 08:43 AM - Kids - by Awesomeness12 (man)

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After thirty minutes of sex my GF says: "Ya know, if it gets too wet there, you can always put it in my butt!"

#274
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She's A Keeper! (132) - Dump Her Ass! (13)

Dec 29, 2011 01:03 AM - Sex - by Mannzutier (woman)

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I was walking my dog when a purse snatcher ran past me and stole the poop bag.

#207
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She's A Keeper! (21) - Dump Her Ass! (1)

Aug 10, 2011 08:43 AM - Misc - by Idiots (man)

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"We had sex in the bathroom. Then you told me I could watch you pee."

#96
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She's A Keeper! (40) - Dump Her Ass! (6)

Jan 30, 2011 05:32 AM - Sex - by Mikey (man)

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