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On how she was going to convince her boss to give her a raise: "Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth."

#65
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Jan 29, 2011 08:30 PM - Work - by Sean (man)

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"Don't you think this would be the perfect store for you to work at? It's what you do naturally."

#100
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Jan 29, 2011 11:50 PM - Money - by Hank (man)

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Took her to the movies, and came back to my car to find out my battery had died.. got it jumped and came back to her place, and as i lean in for a kiss, she backs away and says "pssh im not kissing you, your car broke down" and walks into her house. Damn.

#66
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Jan 29, 2011 08:36 PM - Breakups - by Carlos (man)

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My bed would like to meet you...no, not you...the other guy who isn't a douchebag of a boyfriend.

#69
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Jan 29, 2011 08:36 PM - Love - by Austin (man)

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My GF: Stop treating me like a child.
Her Dad: You sprouting any hairs down there yet?

#99
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Jan 29, 2011 11:36 PM - School - by Marlen (man)

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“I don’t even understand how you can dance to dubstep”

#219
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Sep 22, 2011 06:48 PM - Misc - by Steve (man)

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Saying 'I love you' only during sex does not count - yes it does!

#70
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Jan 29, 2011 08:36 PM - Love - by Cain (man)

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A good way to prevent cheating in the US.

#89
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Jan 29, 2011 09:23 PM - School - by WTF (man)

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“You just fisted my kidney!!!”

#220
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Sep 22, 2011 06:48 PM - Sex - by Marlon (man)

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My girlfriend said: I like the way the dogs feet smell......weather he pees on them or not. Just something about the way dog feet smell.......I like it :)

#19
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Jan 2, 2011 10:37 PM - Misc - by jmlcolorado (man)

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I saw a pigeon get pood on by another pigeon. Justice.

#210
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Aug 10, 2011 03:43 AM - Misc - by PigeonCrap (man)

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Part 03 (Last):
SMS5: It's all my fault , I thought you were human but I was wrong!!! You piece of shit and your fat f**king mother. Go to hell with your ... cousin (girl)!!!
SMS6: Ow I forgot to say, Me and your friend "Saeed" have had a relationship for 2 months...Bye F**KER!!!

#215
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Sep 10, 2011 11:56 AM - Love - by Mr. Garcia (man)

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“It’s like one of those things that you smell, so you think you taste it. Like poop. Or play dough. That happens all the time! Actually, I think when I was a kid, I ate play dough.”

#221
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Sep 22, 2011 06:48 PM - Misc - by James (man)

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Did you tell your mom to text me "I love you"?

#67
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Jan 29, 2011 08:36 PM - Love - by Peter (man)

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They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

#83
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Jan 29, 2011 08:59 PM - Work - by Adam (man)

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"I just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples...I don't know how they got there."

#76
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Jan 29, 2011 08:59 PM - Drunk - by Mel (man)

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"This woman should be the manager for making me a loyal customer."

#102
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Jan 29, 2011 11:56 PM - Work - by mademyday (man)

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"I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good."

#79
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Jan 29, 2011 08:59 PM - Drunk - by Jack (man)

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While Skyping:
Me: What are you doing?
GF: Looking at cute aprons and matching lace thongs for when I cook dinner for you naked. Red or hot pink?

#297
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Sep 5, 2012 04:43 AM - Sex - by Darren (man)

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"My dad told me my only assignment from now till graduation is to not die."

#82
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She's A Keeper! (11) - Dump Her Ass! (3)

Jan 29, 2011 08:59 PM - Health - by Shawn (man)

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