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"I just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples...I don't know how they got there."

#76
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She's A Keeper! (32) - Dump Her Ass! (7)

Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Drunk - by Mel (man)

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On a foreigner we know who is traveling through Australia: “She is gonna back up on so much random dick it's incredible.”

#226
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Sep 22, 2011 11:54 PM - Sex - by Chrisline (man)

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Her: Baby can we make sex tonight...
Me: OK honey let me go to the store to get some condoms.
Her: Noooooooooooooo!

#283
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Mar 27, 2012 02:21 AM - Sex - by Anonymous (man)

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After having sex, I finished in her mouth, and she looks up at me, a big smile comes across her face and she excitedly says "It tastes like Devon" .

#228
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Sep 26, 2011 02:15 AM - Sex - by devon-guy (man)

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On how she was going to convince her boss to give her a raise: "Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth."

#65
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Jan 30, 2011 02:30 AM - Work - by Sean (man)

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Did you ever realize the word 'dome' says 'do me'?

#86
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Jan 30, 2011 03:17 AM - Misc - by Clay (man)

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My GF: Stop treating me like a child.
Her Dad: You sprouting any hairs down there yet?

#99
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Jan 30, 2011 05:36 AM - School - by Marlen (man)

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"You are always looking for the green grass over the rainbow"

#346
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Dec 12, 2012 02:02 AM - Misc - by pie (man)

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I'm watching "I Used To Be Fat". I've been doing crunches for the last half hour, yelling at the slut on TV to stop crying and do crunches."

#81
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Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Health - by John (man)

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"Don't you think this would be the perfect store for you to work at? It's what you do naturally."

#100
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Jan 30, 2011 05:50 AM - Money - by Hank (man)

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While Skyping:
Me: What are you doing?
GF: Looking at cute aprons and matching lace thongs for when I cook dinner for you naked. Red or hot pink?

#297
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Sep 5, 2012 09:43 AM - Sex - by Darren (man)

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Saying 'I love you' only during sex does not count - yes it does!

#70
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Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Love - by Cain (man)

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Sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. Ever. I don't care how drunk you are."

#77
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Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Drunk - by Chris (man)

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A good way to prevent cheating in the US.

#89
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Jan 30, 2011 03:23 AM - School - by WTF (man)

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I just drunk dialed your mom! SHIT!

#1
1 Comments

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Dec 11, 2010 09:57 PM - Drunk - by prodjallen (man)

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In hind sight, maybe you telling the registration nurse she was a "sexy little hooker" wasn't the best way to get you in back to get your stitches any quicker.

#90
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Jan 30, 2011 03:28 AM - Health - by Chris (man)

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Just got this text from my gf. "I farted earlier and Sargent (her co-worker) was like omg what's that smell and kept sniffing. I was like yeah ew what is that?

#280
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Feb 14, 2012 01:18 AM - Work - by timbo (man)

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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.

#88
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Jan 30, 2011 03:17 AM - Drunk - by Rudy (man)

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"Camping in the ghetto is the equivalent to living in Uganda."

#222
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Sep 22, 2011 11:50 PM - Misc - by David (man)

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“You just fisted my kidney!!!”

#220
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She's A Keeper! (39) - Dump Her Ass! (13)

Sep 22, 2011 11:48 PM - Sex - by Marlon (man)

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