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Took her to the movies, and came back to my car to find out my battery had died.. got it jumped and came back to her place, and as i lean in for a kiss, she backs away and says "pssh im not kissing you, your car broke down" and walks into her house. Damn.

#66
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Jan 29, 2011 09:36 PM - Breakups - by Carlos (man)

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"He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well."

#87
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Jan 29, 2011 10:17 PM - Drunk - by Rodrigo (man)

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"You know how I know I'm the shit? Cuz I keep clogging up the toilet" lol she was rapping a line by the rapper J. Cole

#187
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Jun 5, 2011 05:57 PM - Misc - by Eric Ramos (man)

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On how she was going to convince her boss to give her a raise: "Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth."

#65
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Jan 29, 2011 09:30 PM - Work - by Sean (man)

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We were driving home from a weekend trip and my girl sucked me off and I came in her mouth (she never takes it in her mouth). So we are at my house the day after and I cum on her tits but got a little near her mouth. She said "just cause I spoil you one time you think you can just do what you want"

#106
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Feb 15, 2011 10:42 PM - Sex - by g6landed (man)

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"This woman should be the manager for making me a loyal customer."

#102
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Jan 30, 2011 12:56 AM - Work - by mademyday (man)

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On leaving me alone for a few weeks: “Ok here's where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.”

#227
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Sep 22, 2011 07:54 PM - Misc - by Mark (man)

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I was walking my dog when a purse snatcher ran past me and stole the poop bag.

#207
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Aug 10, 2011 04:43 AM - Misc - by Idiots (man)

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My girl and I were having sex, and she decided to finish me in her mouth. As I was about to finish blowing my load, she took her mouth off and the last bit of jizz landed on my stomach. She swallowed what was in her mouth and said, "Oh god, I'm sorry. I couldn't take anymore, my mouth was full."

#104
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Feb 9, 2011 03:56 AM - Sex - by Matador (man)

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My girlfriend and I were having sex, she was on top and I came in her. She tells me "Hold on, I want you to know how this feels", she lifts off and creampies all over my stomach.

#73
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Jan 29, 2011 09:37 PM - Love - by Isaac (man)

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I saw two teenagers stopped at a green light at a major road, honking at and flipping off an old man crossing slowly. As a result, the old man dropped his pants and mooned the youngsters. Classic!

#209
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Aug 10, 2011 04:43 AM - Sex - by Moonies (man)

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I'm watching "I Used To Be Fat". I've been doing crunches for the last half hour, yelling at the slut on TV to stop crying and do crunches."

#81
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Jan 29, 2011 09:59 PM - Health - by John (man)

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I saw a pigeon get pood on by another pigeon. Justice.

#210
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Aug 10, 2011 04:43 AM - Misc - by PigeonCrap (man)

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My GF: Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
Me: I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.

#85
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Jan 29, 2011 10:17 PM - Drunk - by Jeff (man)

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She sends me this picture and says: "Treat me right, or else..."

#92
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Jan 29, 2011 10:45 PM - Love - by Brandon (man)

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"I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good."

#79
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Jan 29, 2011 09:59 PM - Drunk - by Jack (man)

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After I make it rain at a strip club, my drunk gf says: "Giving the strippers money is like feeding the animals at the zoo."

#239
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Nov 26, 2011 01:13 AM - Money - by Say Whaaaa (man)

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“It’s like one of those things that you smell, so you think you taste it. Like poop. Or play dough. That happens all the time! Actually, I think when I was a kid, I ate play dough.”

#221
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Sep 22, 2011 07:48 PM - Misc - by James (man)

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99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one, you got 100 problems and a bitch is one.

#68
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Jan 29, 2011 09:36 PM - Love - by Jayzow (man)

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You Will Love Me! Roses Are Red, Bullets Are Lead. Take Me Back Now, Or Get Shot In The Head! LMAOO

#107
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Feb 18, 2011 04:05 AM - Breakups - by Allen Analian (man)

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