My gf said today "I got hit on by some black guys, I think they were an out of state baskeball team"

So my ex gf comes over and says "So, I can't just get my nut and leave?" and that went on for 5 months.

I told my gf about how I was at a store and got 5 cents cash back just to be a dick to the cashier and she replied, "Why would people not want cash back? I mean your getting free money. Wait, what is cash back?"

I say, "Can I fuck you now?" She replied, "No! I want you to cum in my mouth!"

She actually called me her pokemaster in bed

My girlfriend asked me why the US fought in WWII. I said that the Japanese had attacked a US Naval Base in Hawaii on Dec. 7, 1941. I told her we also fought the Germans, among others. She asked, "who won the war?" I asked, "what language do you speak?"

they should make a rosetta stone for men to figure out what the fuck women are trying to say

Her: So when they circumcised you, what did they do with the foreskin? Me: uh...they throw it away? Her: Oh so they don't save it? I always wondered about that.

I just woke up and there were several one dollar bills in my undies and there's an unconscious asian man on the floor. What the fuck did we do last night?

So my girlfriend called me and said she was thinking about me and she squirted so hard that she soaked her dog that was on the end of the bed.

You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..

Ewww I can hear my roomie having sex...come over, let's show them how its really done.

My gf and I were having sex. I had her legs up in the air, almost bending her in half pounding away. She farted and then said, "OKAY! We're done!"

On the discussion of a paranormal TV show, I said that I like to keep an open mind on the subject. She said she likes to keep an open mouth for my cock.

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing.

I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person

My ex-gf just said I reminded her of The Situation from Jersey Shore.

Now that the olympics are over, you have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

where'd you go? im seriously all alone with this kid in the living room, theres no lights on and i know im gunna end up blowing him if you guys dont come in soon, i have no choice at this point . (what she said to her best friend during our first date...I love her)

The cops didn't even say happy birthday to me!