My girlfriend is terrible at geography. She one time asked "Which one is the Atlantic Ocean?"

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life.

they should make a rosetta stone for men to figure out what the fuck women are trying to say

"My dream last night consisted of my bed being a Bloons TD track and me mercilessly trying to throw darts at all the balloons. It was intense."

"I didn't mean to bust your lip open, you were just doing a really good job. Are you going to keep going?"

"We're still together, right? Cuz you haven't looked me in the eye since that round of Never Have I Ever."

I watch hours of football every weekend. My gf's solution: commish her own fantasy football league to encourage herself to watch. To top if off, she drafted the Giants D so she could root for them with me despite being raised a 'Skins fan.

We were at my parents house. I asked her if I should take some Red Bull for later. She says "I don't know, I only have space in my body for beer and you!"

Dude I just heard my girlfriend singing in the bathroom "I love making poop"

After I came in her mouth, she looked up at me and whispered, "I just ate your babies." WTF?!

"The sooner we finish wrapping the presents, the sooner you get to start filling me with cum. Now get wrapping, or that will be tomorrow."

You fell down drunk and tried to play it off like you were army crawling.

Pete, my gay best friend, just told the whole party I'm a squirter. Please, pick me up.

“Got my head stuck in the mailbox again”

"Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette???"

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years hacked my mail, sent a mail to her address, breaking up with "herself" and making me look like a douche. Now I won't get the internship at her father's firm because she wrote "I hate you and your family, we are through." I dropped out of college for that internship.

My baby momma came by a couple days ago and I asked her if I could hit it, so she says she can only give me head because she doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend.

"I think I'm gonna go out tonight. I feel like dancing and flirting with boys" "oops, I didn't mean to text you."

Can I blow you in the kitchen?

So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.