so is it wrong that i just want to fuck u....i dont mind sharing

Dinner was so good... I have heartburn out my ass.

I drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got my phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

Now that the olympics are over, you have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

"It's okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen." - No, babe, if the guy remembers it, you're gonna get broken up with.

"Just found out that the CEO of Jack In The Box is a lady named Linda. Needless to say I feel deceived."

I blacked out, met a girl at a bar, brought her back to my friends dorm, fucked her all night, and while continuing in the shower, she says "my boyfriend is going to be soooooooo pissed"

I took my new boyfriend out to meet my friends. My ex bf turned up and was buying drinks for everyone. Now my ex bf and my current bf are going on a man date tomorrow. wtf?

You kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it.

I just woke up and there were several one dollar bills in my undies and there's an unconscious asian man on the floor. What the fuck did we do last night?

Is it sad that instead of goodmorning texts I now receive "sorry I didn't last that long" texts? I'm like thanks for reminding me asshole.

"I guess i called my mom last night. She wasn't nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as I was. Love you."

What day is it and did you see me today? - after a night out drinking

"You were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures"

"We are going drinking this weekend, damn it. I saved my Weight Watchers food points for alcohol."

You were so drunk last night you thought you forced the automatic door open. You called yourself the Juggernaut, and hummed the X Men theme song.

Ok, before you get here, this girl thinks I'm someone she knows named Jen and she's giving me free tequila so DONT F*** IT UP.

She woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "I regret it already".

You were so trashed that you deleted all of your Christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"