i said "im feelin old", she replys "how do you think i feel at 25, im half way to 30" needless to say she is a hairdresser!

(Holding her i42 tits) "These are solely for getting me what I want." Yeah, I believe you!

Her: get back here asap! Me: Don't tell you hubby wat to do. Her: I'm sorry. I'll get back in the kitchen. haha

Having a nerdy night with her and friends watching the first Pokemon movie, she announces Brocks Onix looks stoned.

She was complaining about her gyno appointment asked if guys go to the urologist yearly like girls go to the gyno. So I said "yeah, but the best part is when the nurse jerks you off to get a semen sample." and she believed me and got mad saying how she didn't want a strange nurse giving me a handjob

After a few minutes of intensive thought, my gf came out with "I wonder why they don't make cum-flavored products. I mean, with all those single women, there has to be a market for cum-flavored yoghurt."

I was having a shitty day at work and my girlfriend shoots me a text saying "sex for chipotle tonight?" shes a keeper.

Walking past a group of Down's-Syndrome students: "Don't you want to hold your breath? So you don't... you know... catch it?"

"have fun at the strip club sweetie, i'll see you when you get back. don't bring me the herp or anything."

I want a magic potion that will make him fall in love with me. I also want a clockstopper's watch and a pimp cane that is filled with an endless amount of weed.

While watching Apocalypse Now, Cpt. Willard starts talking about the Viet Cong and my girlfriend asks me "Who's Charlie? "

You're reading about stars that might support intelligent life? You mean like Mars?

(Over a phone call). (Her): Babe what's a lune attic? (Me): Spell it. (Her): L-u-n-a-t-i-c. (Me): That would be a lunatic dear, something you are. (Her): O, you're so smart babe....... sigh

"But she's so pretty for a deaf girl"

I used to love "Charles in Charge". But I never understood what he was in charge of...

While watching a show about ugly dogs, my gf says, "Those dogs are gross! They literally look like walking vaginas."

Concerning the final score of the New Orleans Saints, the man who scored was an African American, "That's not fair, he's faster cuz he has slave feet."

"Hey, where is Jersey shore filmed?"

I will never understand how these fratty people can look at themselves in a mirror and think wearing a Northface vest is a good look.

With all the crazy stuff going on in the world, Im glad cnn.com found Brad and Angelina breaking up to be the headline of the day, I too find it more important than say 200K dead in Haiti