Her: "Why aren't you talking to me?" Me: "I'm with my bros." Her: "But you're supposed to be with me."

So my girlfriend called me and said she was thinking about me and she squirted so hard that she soaked her dog that was on the end of the bed.

after months of trying to convince my gf of having a threesome she agreed...she said she wud only do it if she cud pick the person...who was it only her fucking hot mom....WIN!

My gf on licking my ass three months after we started dating.....me: omg that was the best orgasm iv ever had how did you know i liked that? GF: well i was licking ur balls and i was goin lower and u were gettin louder so i figured. i love her lol

When i asked my girl if i could cum in her mouth she replied "Mmmm protein!!"

She sends me a text saying, "I just came across the word expendable in something I'm reading...thought of you... =] "

I got picked up for driving with a suspended license(long story). She walked to the County Jail and bailed me out and gave no complaints.

"Have u seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself"

She asked if the blue lines on the football game were a part of the football field during the chargers game

When I asked if she knew what she wanted to do for Valentines Day, she said, "Sure. I want to either go to a pub, or a brewery, or Orfila Winery. I don't want to go out to a fancy, ridiculously over priced because it's valentines day, dinner. I'd rather just get drunk with the man I love!" Jealous?

"Plans for today: I give you head, then we fuck, & we play Modern Warfare 2. Sound like a deal?"

"Found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner."

"If I'm not the first person you notice at a party next time, I'm just gonna go up to you, pull your pants down and blow you."

I get home from class today, jumped in the shower. In the shower, my gf comes home and I hear her talking and I yell "who is that?". She yells back "your present". I get out of the shower: its her smokin ass friend and her in bra and thongs...she forgot my birthday last week and decided to make it up!!!

"I now realize why Trojan is a brand of condoms. Cause just like the Trojan horse, they send it in as a gift. It brings people joy, then it cracks open and dozens of little warriors hop out and spoil the fun..."

"Let's get married."

Today, my wife yelled at me during an argument. "You should try thinking about anybody else for a change!" I switched to a graveyard shift two years ago to keep our daughter out of daycare.

"I hate the way you cut your daughter's sandwiches diagonally, the two halves aren't the same." F***.

My girlfriend woke up early, went out and bought beer, and encouraged me to drink it all day while she went to work, "So that you won't be bored while I'm gone"

"Just because I love you doesn't mean I won't punch you in the face."