My mother is nuts. She came into my room around 7 am and put the Virgin Mary in here and said I need Jesus in my life.

"It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean. Am I really that loose?"

You are the best fuck buddy I've had, all the others get feelings and morals involved.

I orgasmed in like a minute, then I couldn't stop orgasming, one after another. He kept on yelling "WAIT FOR ME, WAIT FOR ME!!!"

I just woke up and there were several one dollar bills in my undies and there's an unconscious asian man on the floor. What the fuck did we do last night?

Today was the first day of rush. Talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.

"Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?"

Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Is alcohol the secret to perfect vision forever? I think so."

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of Home Depot, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

When she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, I knew it was time to go.

I'm chasing your ferret around my apartment naked. She's making a sound like shes giggling at me. Her: She's laughing at your small penis.

Is it sad that instead of goodmorning texts I now receive "sorry I didn't last that long" texts? I'm like thanks for reminding me asshole.

I like to watch girls gone wild backwards cause it makes it look like the girls have learned their lesson.

where'd you go? im seriously all alone with this kid in the living room, theres no lights on and i know im gunna end up blowing him if you guys dont come in soon, i have no choice at this point . (what she said to her best friend during our first date...I love her)

Just got a vibrating razor. Best time I ever had shaving my snatch.

You don't want me to juggle your balls baby??

"Have u seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself"

"So this is awkward...My vagina turned purple."

She says: "What if after we meet, something changes and you don't like me." I said: "nah, nothing will, I still think you are a slut..."