I got picked up for driving with a suspended license(long story). She walked to the County Jail and bailed me out and gave no complaints.

I drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got my phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

"I could hear your roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...let's see him ever get any ass."

Now that the olympics are over, you have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

I want a magic potion that will make him fall in love with me. I also want a clockstopper's watch and a pimp cane that is filled with an endless amount of weed.

"It's okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen." - No, babe, if the guy remembers it, you're gonna get broken up with.

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

While watching Apocalypse Now, Cpt. Willard starts talking about the Viet Cong and my girlfriend asks me "Who's Charlie? "

You're reading about stars that might support intelligent life? You mean like Mars?

My girlfriend and I were playing making up words with license plates of other cars, when we stopped at a red light there was a car infront of us with the license plate DCK679 she said "Oh i got one..but I dont wanna say it.." And I said DUCK? and she said "Ohh...yeah" Someone wasn't thinking of duck

(Over a phone call). (Her): Babe what's a lune attic? (Me): Spell it. (Her): L-u-n-a-t-i-c. (Me): That would be a lunatic dear, something you are. (Her): O, you're so smart babe....... sigh

"Just screw me now. I have been around to much estrogen today and i need the testorone in my life."

My girlfriend and I were fooling around, and I wanted her to talk dirty, so she said very awkwardly "Oh yeah, I like that on my..... breasts." Needless to say we had to stop and laugh then try to continue.

"You're like the Vagina Whisper"

"But she's so pretty for a deaf girl"

"She called me a whore because I like anal. I told her. I said she ought to try it before she called people names. I was so annoyed I even offered your cock to help her out. She didn't exactly say no. Still, if she borrows it, who would be the whore?"

I used to love "Charles in Charge". But I never understood what he was in charge of...

"She thinks that hooking up in the theater bathroom is bad? How about in the theater.. during Shrek 3. HaHa"

While watching a show about ugly dogs, my gf says, "Those dogs are gross! They literally look like walking vaginas."