Discussing a Sean Hayes song: "He made semen stained covers sound like a place I want to be."

i said "im feelin old", she replys "how do you think i feel at 25, im half way to 30" needless to say she is a hairdresser!

"Im the only girl I know who can drive on the high way going 65 mph and jerk you off simultaneously. And did I mention putting my car in park at a red light to suck your dick?" lmao she's awsome.

my girl always randomly surprises me by getting naked. i'll be busy with something and all of a sudden...EPIC TITS AND ASS. i don't know...should i keep her?

Me: "It's a form of contraception"; Her: "What the fxxk is contra-sept-shun??"

After sex my GF turns over still playing with my penis and says "Wow, he kinda looks like Squidward."

my GF got pissed at me for being at a LAN party. she asked if i got laid, i said no we were playing counterstrike. she said "is that when you throw beans at each other?"

Got a text from her saying "I love being goofy with your penis :) and making u laugh" after she gave me head and was talking with my dick in her mouth! LOL!

(Holding her i42 tits) "These are solely for getting me what I want." Yeah, I believe you!

My GF found out I was cheating on her with a muslim girl, and when she found out she said "Wrap her turban around this!" and punched me in my butt

Her, "This sucks, we can't have sex for a week." Me, "why not?" Her, "because I'm going to get my period." Me, "you got a butthole don't you?" Her, "true." I love her so much :)

Her: "Why aren't you talking to me?" Me: "I'm with my bros." Her: "But you're supposed to be with me."

Me and my girl were having beast mode sex in our apartment..the land lord comes in saying we're too loud. My girl busts out "Sorry, care to join us?"...Our landlord is a 24 yeah old brunette who's hot...SCORE!

So my girlfriend called me and said she was thinking about me and she squirted so hard that she soaked her dog that was on the end of the bed.

Her: So when they circumcised you, what did they do with the foreskin? Me: uh...they throw it away? Her: Oh so they don't save it? I always wondered about that.

One time, my ex knew I was seeing someone. So she gets drunk and asks me to come out to her car around 2am and we drive around the block and get in the back seat. Needless to say, she rode me like a champ. After words, she lays in the back seat crying, asking me why I'm such a bastard. Ugh!

One time my ex calls me up at 3am completely wasted. She comes over into my room takes off her clothes, gets on my bed in the doggy position and says "fuck me now" while the whole time I'm thinking awesome sex! but at the same time its such a mind fuck.

She says she hasn't been with a guy in 4 years. Just her girlfriends......score?

So my ex gf comes over and says "So, I can't just get my nut and leave?" and that went on for 5 months.

Her: get back here asap! Me: Don't tell you hubby wat to do. Her: I'm sorry. I'll get back in the kitchen. haha