I'm not sure I could do a three-sum, but I could get another girl to give you a blowjob

"I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?"

"The thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me every time."

"So, I drunkenly called my religious roomie because I was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, Jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light...too much?"

I made your wiener big!

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when COD: MW2 came out, she told me it was totally fine for me to play instead of calling her.

She told me I had the best dick she'd ever seen. Then kept repeating "Peter Piper picked the perfect penis".

As I'm pumping gas she texts me from inside the car: "uuuuuh pump it my little cabana gas boy"

So i talked my girl into having a three way but she wont let me put my dick in her ass she said "you could use the other girl for that".

One time when my gf was going down on me I commented on how I didn't like the shirt she wore that day to which she replied "Are you really going to complain about ANYTHING when your dick is in my mouth?"

"You look like a sausage in jean shorts. You should have woken up earlier so I could approve your outfit."

"Just because I love you doesn't mean I won't punch you in the face."

Ewww I can hear my roomie having sex...come over, let's show them how its really done.

I watch hours of football every weekend. My gf's solution: commish her own fantasy football league to encourage herself to watch. To top if off, she drafted the Giants D so she could root for them with me despite being raised a 'Skins fan.

I was quizzing her about random things, and asked her to name the five branches of the military. She responded, "Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, Air Force and..." There was then a long pause and a blank stare. Finally she finishes with, "...Samurai?"

"Your balls are so perfect"

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

My girlfriend wanted to send me a letter, turns out she wrote the wrong address. Her panties are now somewhere in Canada.

After I came in her mouth, she looked up at me and whispered, "I just ate your babies." WTF?!