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My girl and I were having sex, and she decided to finish me in her mouth. As I was about to finish blowing my load, she took her mouth off and the last bit of jizz landed on my stomach. She swallowed what was in her mouth and said, "Oh god, I'm sorry. I couldn't take anymore, my mouth was full."

#104
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Feb 9, 2011 03:56 AM - Sex - by Matador (man)

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My girlfriend and I went to a Renaissance Fair, and she talked me into wearing a kilt. While we were browsing a shop, some old woman asked what I was wearing underneath it. Without missing a beat, my girlfriend replied “My lipstick.” The old woman turned bright red.

#213
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Aug 10, 2011 04:43 AM - Sex - by lmao234 (man)

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I just drunk dialed your mom! SHIT!

#1
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Dec 11, 2010 04:57 PM - Drunk - by prodjallen (man)

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On leaving me alone for a few weeks: “Ok here's where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.”

#227
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Sep 22, 2011 07:54 PM - Misc - by Mark (man)

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"We had sex in the bathroom. Then you told me I could watch you pee."

#96
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Jan 30, 2011 12:32 AM - Sex - by Mikey (man)

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On why she was not going to wear a bra that day: “Because my boobs are awesome and they must be free to point at the sky!”

#224
1 Comments

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Sep 22, 2011 07:54 PM - Drunk - by Carl (man)

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After thirty minutes of sex my GF says: "Ya know, if it gets too wet there, you can always put it in my butt!"

#274
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Dec 28, 2011 08:03 PM - Sex - by Mannzutier (woman)

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Today, I was at school and saw a girl that was deaf wearing a shirt saying, "La la la, I can't hear you! Lol...

#98
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Jan 30, 2011 12:36 AM - School - by Marcus (man)

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"I can't fall in love with someone until I know they're good at boning. It's a relationship, not an apprenticeship."

#223
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Sep 22, 2011 07:54 PM - Love - by Mike (man)

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“I love being able to call you mine. I’m going to take care of you. All the Tomagatchis I killed were just to prepare me for keeping you alive, safe, and happy.”

#218
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Sep 22, 2011 07:48 PM - Love - by Brian (man)

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On her seeming lack of enthusiasm while she prepared coffee in the nude: "You get enthusiasm, or you get boobs. You don't get both."

#225
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Sep 22, 2011 07:54 PM - Misc - by Sam (man)

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Did you ever realize the word 'dome' says 'do me'?

#86
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Jan 29, 2011 10:17 PM - Misc - by Clay (man)

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I saw this online and thought of you!

#91
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Jan 29, 2011 10:45 PM - Sports - by Mark (man)

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My girlfriend and I were having sex, she was on top and I came in her. She tells me "Hold on, I want you to know how this feels", she lifts off and creampies all over my stomach.

#73
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Jan 29, 2011 09:37 PM - Love - by Isaac (man)

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"I just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples...I don't know how they got there."

#76
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Jan 29, 2011 09:59 PM - Drunk - by Mel (man)

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"I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good."

#79
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Jan 29, 2011 09:59 PM - Drunk - by Jack (man)

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“You just fisted my kidney!!!”

#220
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Sep 22, 2011 07:48 PM - Sex - by Marlon (man)

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"He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well."

#87
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Jan 29, 2011 10:17 PM - Drunk - by Rodrigo (man)

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"I just bought condoms at Big Lots. Please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months."

#95
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Jan 30, 2011 12:12 AM - Sex - by Jordan (man)

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Sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. Ever. I don't care how drunk you are."

#77
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She's A Keeper! (16) - Dump Her Ass! (1)

Jan 29, 2011 09:59 PM - Drunk - by Chris (man)

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