I want a magic potion that will make him fall in love with me. I also want a clockstopper's watch and a pimp cane that is filled with an endless amount of weed.

While watching Apocalypse Now, Cpt. Willard starts talking about the Viet Cong and my girlfriend asks me "Who's Charlie? "

You're reading about stars that might support intelligent life? You mean like Mars?

(Over a phone call). (Her): Babe what's a lune attic? (Me): Spell it. (Her): L-u-n-a-t-i-c. (Me): That would be a lunatic dear, something you are. (Her): O, you're so smart babe....... sigh

"But she's so pretty for a deaf girl"

I used to love "Charles in Charge". But I never understood what he was in charge of...

While watching a show about ugly dogs, my gf says, "Those dogs are gross! They literally look like walking vaginas."

Concerning the final score of the New Orleans Saints, the man who scored was an African American, "That's not fair, he's faster cuz he has slave feet."

"Hey, where is Jersey shore filmed?"

I will never understand how these fratty people can look at themselves in a mirror and think wearing a Northface vest is a good look.

With all the crazy stuff going on in the world, Im glad cnn.com found Brad and Angelina breaking up to be the headline of the day, I too find it more important than say 200K dead in Haiti

"My clit piercing just made the metal detector go off at the airport. Can you say strip search?"

Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.

We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

I can totally see doctors naming an STD after you.

Pete, my gay best friend, just told the whole party I'm a squirter. Please, pick me up.

"My mother just asked me if I ever swallow the goods...should I be concerned?"

My mother is nuts. She came into my room around 7 am and put the Virgin Mary in here and said I need Jesus in my life.

Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of Home Depot, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.