"The more I think about it, the more I think it's not really my fault. I mean think about it: how many people have seen my crotch in the past year? A lot." My wife after a doctor's appointment following being pregnant.

"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Is alcohol the secret to perfect vision forever? I think so."

Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'...hope it wasn't my girlfriend

About to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck baby

"I think my feet are getting fat." No babe, I think it's you.

"Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette???"

"Well I wouldn't have snorted coke off you if I had known I was pregnant"

"You're mom suggested you get the vaccine shot for swine flu? Does she think I'm a pig?"

"Most peoples arms are stronger then there legs. I'm an exception- I did a lot of swimming in high school 4 years ago"

I told my gf with a sneer: "all you tweet about is ianto jones" and she said "and jesus! don't forget jesus"

My girlfriend tells me: "you shouldn't eat before you go swimming!" I ask"why?" She said "you look fat!" - Now I know how it feels =(