I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex...

"I'm watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single. Can you come over and fix that?"

My ex-gf just said I reminded her of The Situation from Jersey Shore.

My wife and I just found out she can't have kids. On the drive home, she says "Wish I had known this in college, I would have been way more slutty." She turns to me and smiles. I'm seriously considering divorce now.

"We're still together, right? Cuz you haven't looked me in the eye since that round of Never Have I Ever."

My (now ex-gf) broke up with me today. I asked her if we could still be mates to which she replied, "friends with benefits? Hell yeah!" and now I love her more than ever ;)

so my gf came up to me and said "we need to talk" and i said "i know this isn't going to work out" and she said "oh crap! then i guess we are just going to cancel the surprise sex for your birthday and she walked away.

My girlfriend and I were watching a college basketball game a few weeks ago. The announcer says "there are 2 minutes left in the first half." My girlfriend turns to me and asks "How many halves are there in a college basketball game?" She is no longer my girlfriend.

ME - "You have taken over my tivo!" HER - "Obvi"

During the breakup talk, she crazily screamed at the top of her lungs, "You're the kind of bastard that turns women into lesbians!"

A month later, I find out my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter.

Yesterday, I came back home to meet people before going away to university, including my ex and her new boyfriend. We broke up about two months ago and there were no bad feelings between us, so I decided to have a chat with them. I asked "How long have you been going out?" He replied "Seven months."

I got to my apartment early after being out really late the night before. Maybe next time I should call ahead of time so that my roommate has time to sneak my girlfriend out of his bedroom.

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me.

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years hacked my mail, sent a mail to her address, breaking up with "herself" and making me look like a douche. Now I won't get the internship at her father's firm because she wrote "I hate you and your family, we are through." I dropped out of college for that internship.