I asked my girlfriend, "So, what's on the to-do list tonight?" She replied, "Well, I'm going to blow you when you get here, then make you some food, play some Call of Duty, and then let you stick it in my ass."

Just started dating a girl and she calls me before our second date to tell me she couldn't wait to see me that night. She said her roommate had walked in and interrupted her masturbating that morning and she was on "edge" all day.

Me- "I've realized I really like ellipsis" Her- "Like, the thing that happens to the sun?" Me- "No, that's an eclipse. I'm talking about the ... at the end of a sentence." Her- "Ohh, I didn't know that had a name!"

My GF introduced me at a party using her ex-bf's name. We've been dating for 7 months.

"I was stoked on phone sex until you started reciting lines from Star Wars"

Last night in bed as we are falling asleep my gf says "this thong is pissing me off" - and then it came off.

"I hate when I see ugly girls with hot boyfriends, its like god is playing a cruel joke."

On a long car ride with my gf, she was looking at the directions and noticed the number between the one we needed and the one we passed was a difference of thirteen. So she said "just thirteen more exits to go" I spent the rest of the hour trying to explain to her how exit numbers really work

me and my girl were watching spongebob and they had a birthday cake with a candle. and she asked "how can there be fire underwater" i replied "uh idk why is there a squirrel in a scuba suit and a talking sponge?

My room mate, my girlfriend, and I were driving to a party one night when we were making jokes at her expense. Apparently we crossed the line and she said "You know, the voices in my head don't like you!!". Needless to say that was the last thing said all night.

So my girlfriend and I were laying on the couch and I pressed my ass against her stomach and asked "Can I fart?" and she said "If you fart I am going to grab your wiener" so i farted and she proceeded to grab my cock. =)

My girlfriend said she feels bad for football players in college because they probably get no sex since they are busy and don't want to be tired for their game. She was dead serious and completely sober.

My girlfriend and I decided to break in our brand new basketball hoop with a quick game of "Horse". She got to H-O-U and I lost it.

Several of my friends and I were talking about how there were hot women in the New England area when my GF angrily says that if the women are so hot up there we should move to Boston or Massachusetts then. In the awkward silence I whispered "Boston's in Massachusetts." Everyone erupted in laughter

My gf couldn't go to a party this past Friday cuz she had to work early the following morning. Said it wasn't fair if I'd go. When I asked her how is it fair if I didn't go she said "because your my boyfriend!!!"

I had my girlfriend convinced that she had to set her watch back 3 hours to "Canadian Time" when we crossed the border. We got searched on the way back through because she asked the border patrol agent "What time is it in America?"

I was quizzing her about random things, and asked her to name the five branches of the military. She responded, "Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, Air Force and..." There was then a long pause and a blank stare. Finally she finishes with, "...Samurai?"

I watch hours of football every weekend. My gf's solution: commish her own fantasy football league to encourage herself to watch. To top if off, she drafted the Giants D so she could root for them with me despite being raised a 'Skins fan.

"I didn't mean to bust your lip open, you were just doing a really good job. Are you going to keep going?"

My girlfriend invited me over today. I'm animal phobic, and she has a dog and a rabbit, who she claims are always well behaved. Her dog peed all over my shoes and her rabbit furiously humped my leg and wouldn't let go. Now I'm even more terrified of animals.