"I gave someone a fake number, when they put it in their it was a number they already had. "

"I mean, it's Left 4 Dead, only with more weapons, slightly different and new special infected zombies, and different scenes. If you liked the first one, you should like this one. I enjoy playing it by myself or with my husband. It is a fun game"

"what's that thing your mom said we don't have? ... oh yea! shame."

I saw like six of her guido cousins in the Jersey Shore trailer alone. Her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight. Cultural fail?

I'm going through my GFs notes for class, and I find something scribbled in the margin. "Note to self: Do Homeless People masturbate?"

"My vag is hotter than that girl's face"

"I believe in Dinosaurs, but not that they lived on Earth."

"Did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? It's like folders and notebooks for little douche bags in training."

"Going to class early so I have time to go on the moon bounce." This is why she goes to Art School.

I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control.

You know your day is made to fail when you have a Hanson song stuck in your head all day...

The line for Where The Wild Things Are looks like Radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters.

"I just did the most trashiest thing ever...bought a pregnancy test on 17th Ave n took it in the bathroom of a bowling alley...no rascals for us!"

"I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out in front of my kids in class today"

"On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?"

My girlfriend says "So aren't you going to invite me to your New Years Eve party" I said "Not sure my wife will approve" GF "tell her I'm an old friend and who knows, we might get lucky and have a 3some!"

On the discussion of a paranormal TV show, I said that I like to keep an open mind on the subject. She said she likes to keep an open mouth for my cock.

"You look like Mr. Rogers...in a porno"

"My dream last night consisted of my bed being a Bloons TD track and me mercilessly trying to throw darts at all the balloons. It was intense."

After hooking up with a girl, we were talking to her roommate the next morning. In their conversation, something was said, not directly to me, that I commented on. My hookup turned to me and said, "Shhh. You can't talk - you're a random."