Last night I received "damn you’re so controlling. Btw I totally need to see penis before I'm your girlfriend. It’s only fair."

"They stole my birth control, We’re f***ed!"

My baby momma came by a couple days ago and I asked her if I could hit it, so she says she can only give me head because she doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend.

"Baby, I love your penis. It's so perfect."

"I don't mind the taste of your pee...Is that weird?"

my girlfriend was giving me head for the first time and i came in her mouth without warning. she jumped up and ran out of the room. she comes back in 5 minutes later and i asked if she was okay to which she responds "yeah im fine...but can i get pregnant from that?"

One day while on vacation we were driving back to the hotel. My wife asked me "what's Ritasand food?" I asked, "Ritasand, I never heard of that, where do you see that?" She points to a sign that read: "Best Rita's AND Food in town."

One time when my gf was going down on me I commented on how I didn't like the shirt she wore that day to which she replied "Are you really going to complain about ANYTHING when your dick is in my mouth?"

I was lying on my back and my girlfriend was blowing me when suddenly she stops, she looks up at me and says, "Do you think your mom still does this to your dad?"

So i talked my girl into having a three way but she wont let me put my dick in her ass she said "you could use the other girl for that".

Met up with my gf the other day and noticed she smelled like formaldehyde so I asked her what she'd been doing. Answer: "I was skinning my cat all morning."

"Your balls are so perfect"

She says I'm still a virgin. I only have two kids! WTF?

"Last night, you took advantage of the fact that I really wanted it."

I made your wiener big!

I'm not sure I could do a three-sum, but I could get another girl to give you a blowjob

My girlfriend got angry at me while I played poker for a couple of hours. She was out all day with her ex-boyfriend beforehand.

Today, I got on my girlfriend's computer while she was in the shower. The first thing in her 'recent searches' is "How to Fake an Orgasm."

She told me she'd give me a BJ if I admitted Hanson was good.

"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut. Score!