As I'm pumping gas she texts me from inside the car: "uuuuuh pump it my little cabana gas boy"

"I realized today that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound." Oh, and we're married!

I went through with my elaborate plans to propose to my girlfriend with creativity. I took her skydiving and proposed in midair. She rejected. Why? She wanted a more "traditional" proposal.

I told my wife to block the mail of her ex (because he was sending her romantic mails) or I would leave. She told me that I could leave.

We have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to each other.

She thought a fire hydrant was a midget...and gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

Supposedly, this girl four seats down from the guy is his girlfriend. The funny part is the back of her shirt says, "Team Rider."

My ex-girlfriend says that I didn't do anything to 'take her breath away'. Well, I've hidden her inhaler, that should do the trick!

What does it mean when the girl you have been dating says I want to be your "sorta girlfriend"?

i know this is gonna sound weird, but my boobs tell me to break up with you- then get implants and shut them the fuck up!

"I think of you as a brother." ....WTF?

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is my way of breaking up with you.

99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one, you got 100 problems and a bitch is one.

Did you tell your mom to text me "I love you"?

I just drunk dialed your mom! SHIT!