I told my girlfriend that my favorite basketball team is on TV tonight and since they aren't on very often, she knew I was not going to miss it. She responded with "Shit! Can we at least go to the liquor store so I can get drunk and pass out before the game is on?"

My ex-gf just said I reminded her of The Situation from Jersey Shore.

I farted again. It sounded like someone strangled a pigeon. I knew I shouldn't have eaten them pizza rolls.

I'm visiting my girlfriend's family over winter break. While I'm over, I overhear her little brother tell his mom that he had diarrhea and needed some "Viagra". She asked why. He said you told dad if he took Viagra that his SHIT would get hard.

My wife and I just found out she can't have kids. On the drive home, she says "Wish I had known this in college, I would have been way more slutty." She turns to me and smiles. I'm seriously considering divorce now.

"We are going drinking this weekend, damn it. I saved my Weight Watchers food points for alcohol."

"We're still together, right? Cuz you haven't looked me in the eye since that round of Never Have I Ever."

"I just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. I'm not even ashamed to admit that to you." - I responded by saying "You should be."

"My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your c*ck."

To one of her best friends, who eventually told me: "He was my roughest lay ever, like an animal, but amazing. However, now I can barely walk, I made it to the toilet, but am now crying from the pain, he broke my vagina. I came like 10 times though. Win?" - I love it.

Someone told me they could tell we were from Cincinnati because we say "as f*ck" after adjectives.

"I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me." - Classic =)

I just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.

"Plans for today: I give you head, then we fuck, & we play Modern Warfare 2. Sound like a deal?"

My asian girlfriend got me (white guy) to admit I have an asian fetish. She then said if she had known that before she would have dumped me, but "it's too late now since I love you."

"weiner dogs were invented to make people laugh" WIN!!!!

While having sex with my girl, I pointed out how wet she was and she said that her pussy was crying for me..lol

"Med school" GF needs to stop telling me about the old man c*cks she examined and how she had to probe their a$$holes to check their prostates. damn man.

My gf and I were having sex. I had her legs up in the air, almost bending her in half pounding away. She farted and then said, "OKAY! We're done!"

So after receiving a blowjob my girlfriend says "That will be the last, your cum has too many calories!" she was serious.