"Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina. =("

How do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?

"I'm watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single. Can you come over and fix that?"

What day is it and did you see me today? - after a night out drinking

The girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler.

I wish i was in the wii world.

"You were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures"

Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'...hope it wasn't my girlfriend

I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with you because I'm sad I'm not married yet.

we are watching star trek, and she says, "oh look it's sprocket!" i reply with, "who?" she then says, "oh right his name is spork, my bad."

Can I blow you in the kitchen?

"Is a Hippo an animal?"

dead serious: "does the devil have a big penis?"

I went over to my gf's apartment, and she was watching tv naked. No explanation. I walk in and she says "oh, I should probably put clothes on" and goes in her room and comes back out dressed.

My wife said after giving me head, "My vagina is jealous of my mouth now."

"I wish I got woken up by your penis this morning."

When I asked if she knew what she wanted to do for Valentines Day, she said, "Sure. I want to either go to a pub, or a brewery, or Orfila Winery. I don't want to go out to a fancy, ridiculously over priced because it's valentines day, dinner. I'd rather just get drunk with the man I love!" Jealous?

About a possible 3some. GF: We need to find another girl for you to fuck just so you can get some anal sex, and I can see if I'm going to enjoy eating her out. Me: I have no issue with that. GF: Cool cause my friend already said she would love for you to cum in her ass.

well, i don't have to have sex every day, but i NEED your cock in my mouth every night

We were watching this crappy movie at the mall, and started to get a little hot and heavy. But it turns out the movie was just TOO crappy to get out of our heads. As we were leaving, my GF blurts out, "Seriously, if you didn't cum all over me a while ago, I would've been uber pissed."