Me: "I missed you" The gf: "Nah, you only missed my vagina"

2nd period- student trying to run away with 50 yr old bf. 4th period- student chokes peer. 5th period- studentS fight each other. They're such angels:)

Me: "I hear that Kangaroos are actually becoming a problem nowadays." She says "Yeah, there are a bunch of them in Australia."

I happened to once say to an ex, "If she swallows she's a keeper, a spitter is a quitter, and if she gargles she's just trying to show off." She proceeded after sex to swallow after she blew a cum bubble.

She asked if the blue lines on the football game were a part of the football field during the chargers game

"Do you want me to karate chop you?"

Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?

"Why do I have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star?? Did you mess with my contact list again?"

It seems as if every girl's mistake in life has had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other.

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex...

I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.

She asked if Mt. Rushmore was natural or man-made.

I decided I needed to get laid last night and couldn't find you. Unfortunately, there wasn't an app for that so I called Apple to complain.

Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

"Sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? What if it is really legit looking?"

It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.

"I guess i called my mom last night. She wasn't nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as I was. Love you."

Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?

I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.