Just finished watching Laguna Beach Season 1 and Lauren Conrad must have herpes or something worse bc Stephen will do just about anything to not hook up with her.

With all the crazy stuff going on in the world, Im glad cnn.com found Brad and Angelina breaking up to be the headline of the day, I too find it more important than say 200K dead in Haiti

"Just found out that the CEO of Jack In The Box is a lady named Linda. Needless to say I feel deceived."

Student last period of the school day:"Miss, is this Europe?" Me-"No, the map is titled 'Europe After WWII' because it is actually South America, and I'm trying to fool you".

I blacked out, met a girl at a bar, brought her back to my friends dorm, fucked her all night, and while continuing in the shower, she says "my boyfriend is going to be soooooooo pissed"

"My clit piercing just made the metal detector go off at the airport. Can you say strip search?"

Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.

"Your dad just thanked me for 'making his little boy a man' at breakfast this morning."

We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

I can totally see doctors naming an STD after you.

Pete, my gay best friend, just told the whole party I'm a squirter. Please, pick me up.

It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.

I took my new boyfriend out to meet my friends. My ex bf turned up and was buying drinks for everyone. Now my ex bf and my current bf are going on a man date tomorrow. wtf?

I go to your house late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made your life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

You kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it.

"My mother just asked me if I ever swallow the goods...should I be concerned?"

After I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

She said we could have sex if I called her "Snookie" and I agreed.

I think I need the plan B...I wonder if i can find a coupon for it online.

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud.