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"I just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples...I don't know how they got there."

#76
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She's A Keeper! (32) - Dump Her Ass! (7)

Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Drunk - by Mel (man)

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Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks.

#75
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She's A Keeper! (18) - Dump Her Ass! (2)

Jan 30, 2011 02:59 AM - Drunk - by Harold (man)

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I know this is gonna sound weird, but my boobs tell me to break up with you - then get implants and shut them the fuck up!

#74
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Jan 30, 2011 02:37 AM - Sex - by Jamie (man)

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My girlfriend and I were having sex, she was on top and I came in her. She tells me "Hold on, I want you to know how this feels", she lifts off and creampies all over my stomach.

#73
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Jan 30, 2011 02:37 AM - Love - by Isaac (man)

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"I think of you as a brother...WTF?"

#72
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Jan 30, 2011 02:37 AM - Love - by Brian (man)

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Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is my way of breaking up with you.

#71
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Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Kids - by Danny (man)

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Saying 'I love you' only during sex does not count - yes it does!

#70
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Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Love - by Cain (man)

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My bed would like to meet you...no, not you...the other guy who isn't a douchebag of a boyfriend.

#69
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Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Love - by Austin (man)

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99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one, you got 100 problems and a bitch is one.

#68
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Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Love - by Jayzow (man)

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Did you tell your mom to text me "I love you"?

#67
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Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Love - by Peter (man)

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Took her to the movies, and came back to my car to find out my battery had died.. got it jumped and came back to her place, and as i lean in for a kiss, she backs away and says "pssh im not kissing you, your car broke down" and walks into her house. Damn.

#66
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She's A Keeper! (2) - Dump Her Ass! (62)

Jan 30, 2011 02:36 AM - Breakups - by Carlos (man)

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On how she was going to convince her boss to give her a raise: "Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth."

#65
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Jan 30, 2011 02:30 AM - Work - by Sean (man)

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I don't get it. It may be this hangover, but I just don't get it.

#64
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She's A Keeper! (7) - Dump Her Ass! (5)

Jan 30, 2011 02:30 AM - Drunk - by Andrew (man)

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After talking to her ex-bf: "Great, now I have hepatitis, gross.

#63
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She's A Keeper! (3) - Dump Her Ass! (47)

Jan 30, 2011 02:30 AM - Sex - by Mike (man)

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My girlfriend said: I like the way the dogs feet smell......weather he pees on them or not. Just something about the way dog feet smell.......I like it :)

#19
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She's A Keeper! (7) - Dump Her Ass! (62)

Jan 3, 2011 04:37 AM - Misc - by jmlcolorado (man)

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I just drunk dialed your mom! SHIT!

#1
1 Comments

She's A Keeper! (57) - Dump Her Ass! (22)

Dec 11, 2010 09:57 PM - Drunk - by prodjallen (man)

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