While looking at a Winnie the Pooh children's book - "Pooh likes too...yeah pooh likes to do a lot of things...except come out my ass".

I was having a shitty day at work and my girlfriend shoots me a text saying "sex for chipotle tonight?" shes a keeper.

Walking past a group of Down's-Syndrome students: "Don't you want to hold your breath? So you don't... you know... catch it?"

Dinner was so good... I have heartburn out my ass.

"have fun at the strip club sweetie, i'll see you when you get back. don't bring me the herp or anything."

my girl told me i can have the three b's every saturday morning. BREAKFAST, BEER, AND A BLOWJOB!!!

i wrote on facebook that i was having a kid. my girlfriend saw and started yelling at me asking who i was having a kid with?

i was dating a girl the other day and she wouldnt shutup.. jabbermouth type. i tuned in for one sentence "I hate chocolate and peanutbutter together but i love reeses"

"Don't think things now. I just don't feel the need to wear pants when i'm in my room with the doors locked. loll." WIN.

Eating Buffalo Chicken Wings - "What kind of meat are these." "Chicken." "What part of the animial?" ".....the wing." "What? They're huge! How many wings do they have?" facepalm.

Same girl. Loading her luggage into the car, I commented I was surprised she only had hand luggage. "It wasn't easy to get everything in. I hadn't got room for any underwear in my bag, what with bringing my make-up, some chocolate and my butt plug."

I was working overseas for work, and after 3 weeks, my girlfriend flew out to join me for a long weekend. Walking over the concourse, she said, in a fairly loud voice "I'm glad we have this time together. My fingers are aching from having to finger my own pussy."

She sends me a text saying, "I just came across the word expendable in something I'm reading...thought of you... =] "

10 minutes after we just slept together "I got some booty, I got some boooty!"

I got picked up for driving with a suspended license(long story). She walked to the County Jail and bailed me out and gave no complaints.

I drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got my phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

"I could hear your roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...let's see him ever get any ass."

Now that the olympics are over, you have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

I want a magic potion that will make him fall in love with me. I also want a clockstopper's watch and a pimp cane that is filled with an endless amount of weed.