I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen!

I think it's getting bad when you wash the bong more often then the dishes!

She told me she'd give me a BJ if I admitted Hanson was good.

"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut. Score!

We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good girlfriend.

Apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the Franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party!

My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury...

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

I always forget that Thursday isn't the weekend in the real world

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory!

You'd think with all the porn he watches, he'd be a little better at this...

Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?

"you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza."

I was getting fingered by my boyfriend and i never feel it so i'm used to faking the orgasm, so i'm in the middle of this very realistic fake orgasm when he tells me that he hasn't been touching me for the past 10 minutes.. busted

We were in my car when my girl was giving me head, than some jackass comes and rear ends my car, my girl got hurt and clenched her teeth really hard....Ouch!

Wait...our electric bill includes the electricity that powers the TV, computers, and other stuff? I thought it was just the lights.

my girl friend wants to get a snail for a pet. she thinks that no one will ever try to break into a house that is being "protected" by snails. [retarded huh? haha]

Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out

I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.