"I realized today that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound." Oh, and we're married!

Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come.

My girlfriend invited me over today. I'm animal phobic, and she has a dog and a rabbit, who she claims are always well behaved. Her dog peed all over my shoes and her rabbit furiously humped my leg and wouldn't let go. Now I'm even more terrified of animals.

My good buddy of about two years set me up on a blind date. I got to the meeting point and realized that my date was a guy. My "buddy" honestly thought I was gay.

Last week, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare.

A month later, I find out my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter.

Yesterday, I came back home to meet people before going away to university, including my ex and her new boyfriend. We broke up about two months ago and there were no bad feelings between us, so I decided to have a chat with them. I asked "How long have you been going out?" He replied "Seven months."

I got to my apartment early after being out really late the night before. Maybe next time I should call ahead of time so that my roommate has time to sneak my girlfriend out of his bedroom.

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me.

My girlfriend wanted to send me a letter, turns out she wrote the wrong address. Her panties are now somewhere in Canada.

I went through with my elaborate plans to propose to my girlfriend with creativity. I took her skydiving and proposed in midair. She rejected. Why? She wanted a more "traditional" proposal.

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years hacked my mail, sent a mail to her address, breaking up with "herself" and making me look like a douche. Now I won't get the internship at her father's firm because she wrote "I hate you and your family, we are through." I dropped out of college for that internship.

I told my wife to block the mail of her ex (because he was sending her romantic mails) or I would leave. She told me that I could leave.

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life.

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no.

Today, I played games on Barbie.com and gave up after 10 minutes. They were hard.

Today, I got on my girlfriend's computer while she was in the shower. The first thing in her 'recent searches' is "How to Fake an Orgasm."

You got so mad from losing a game of beer pong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume...that's when I cut you off