"Found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner."

You were so drunk last night you thought you forced the automatic door open. You called yourself the Juggernaut, and hummed the X Men theme song.

About to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck baby

Ok, before you get here, this girl thinks I'm someone she knows named Jen and she's giving me free tequila so DONT F*** IT UP.

She was on her period. She suggested we make "ass babies".

Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.

Her: "Why do round-abouts go counter-clockwise?" Me: "Because if they didn't, the cars would run into each other."

I say, "Can I fuck you now?" She replied, "No! I want you to cum in my mouth!"

After introducing her to star trek she said, "what's wrong with Spock's eyebrow bone?"

yesterday i told my gf the joke toothbrushes were invented here in west virginia if anywhere else it would have been a teethbrush... today my gf looks at me and says were they really invented in west virginia? she seriously thought it was because of a joke when i told her no she actually googled it

"Shut up, I will rape you."

She was texting me sexual stuff and I told her I was out buying beer with the guys so it wasn't really the best time for that kind of "conversation". She responded with "Ok, well go buy beer and get drunk with the boys then sext me later". Perfect response.

"I think my feet are getting fat." No babe, I think it's you.

She woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "I regret it already".

Trust me, I need no booty pop lessons.

I think guys can sense when I'm not wearing underwear. They always hit on me. After all, you asked me out on a day I wasn't wearing any either.

The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.

We were about to f*ck...until I saw her razor burn and thought it was herpes. Took her 15 minutes to convince me it wasn't.

"I gave someone a fake number, when they put it in their it was a number they already had. "

"I mean, it's Left 4 Dead, only with more weapons, slightly different and new special infected zombies, and different scenes. If you liked the first one, you should like this one. I enjoy playing it by myself or with my husband. It is a fun game"